


Unwanted Triangle

by AvenuePotter



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: F/M, Love Triangles, Rollisi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-24
Updated: 2016-05-02
Packaged: 2018-06-04 05:48:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 7,606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6643852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AvenuePotter/pseuds/AvenuePotter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A Carisi/Amanda/Dodds love triangle. Benson's quote about not liking triangles while talking to Carisi about Rollins & Dodds and noticing the way Dodds has been looking at Rollins in the last few episodes (up to S17E19) prompted me to write this fic. I hope something like this doesn't actually happen in the show when it comes back after hiatus, though. Thanks to Emploding for the beta!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part One

 

_I don’t like triangles – Benson to Carisi Season 17 Episode 16 (Star-Stuck Victims)_

 

Chapter One

_Fucking Carisi. He had to go and ruin everything with his jealousy. Everything_. Amanda sniffs and takes another sip of her drink.

“Hey, Frannie girl,” she says, stroking her dog’s head, “I love you, baby.”

Frannie licks her hand and Amanda sighs. The dog puts her head back in her lap and looks up at her with sad, sympathetic eyes. At least Frannie understands her.

 

_“I thought we really had something here,” he said._

_“We did,” she answered._

We did.

And now we don’t.

Obviously frustrated, he had shaken his head and waved a dismissive hand in the air. And then he stormed off.

Frustrated herself, she hadn’t stopped him.

And with that it was over.

 

Her cell phone rings. Mike Dodds. It is his personal phone – this isn’t about work.

“Yeah?”

“Hey Amanda, it’s Mike.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“Hey, listen, I couldn’t help but overhear what happened between you and Carisi today. Are you okay?”

She lets out a frustrated sigh that she doesn’t bother to disguise. But she does hold back from saying _No, I’m not okay – and you’re part of the problem_.

“Look, Mike it’s really not a good time . . .”

“I understand.”

“No, you really don’t. Just leave me alone for a while, okay?”

“Okay, I’m sorry about all of this . . . but if you ever want to talk – “

“Yeah, okay,” she interrupts him and then abruptly hangs up, tossing her phone back on the coffee table.

Frannie lifts her head up and looks at her inquisitively.  
  
“Boys,” Amanda says, shaking her head.


	2. Part Two

Earlier . . .

"Dinner, huh?"

"Yeah."

"With that guy?" Carisi says sarcastically.

"If I didn't know better I'd think you have a problem with that." Amanda gives him a smile to lighten the mood.

 _Yeah, he's been making eyes at you. Don't think I can't see._ Carisi does not voice his thoughts out loud. Instead he grumbles and looks away.

"Look, Mike and I are just going to – "

"Yeah, right." Carisi interrupts and gives her a hard look.

"Hey, don't tell me what to do," she says defensively.

"I'm not." He pauses, his blue eyes locked with hers. "I never do. Ever."

He waves his hand to where Dodds had just left. "But him? He tells you what to do. It's his job."

Amanda sputters, but before she can get any words out Carisi grabs his jacket and leaves.

"Fine, I guess I'll just go to dinner then," she mutters.

* * *

It was just a casual meetup. Amanda and Mike talked mainly about work . . . but they also got to talking about their turbulent childhoods. He was a nice guy. She had liked him ever since they had "kissed and made up" over the whole undercover incident. Even though she had gotten in trouble for going undercover without authorization, in the end he had her back. So he was a good guy after all.

When she returns to work the next morning she is smiling to herself. She had just hung up with her babysitter who had put Jesse on the phone. She had been gurgling and cooing. Even though Amanda had just left her house she always missed her little girl when she headed off to work. Sometimes she just needed "a little dose" of Jesse from time to time when she couldn't be with her. Her babysitter always obliged her.

Carisi had noticed her smile and sat scowling at his desk.

"Hey," Amanda says, barely looking at him. She's shuffling around the stuff she's carrying.

"How was last night?" he asks.

"Huh?"

"How was last night? With our little friend over there. . ." he practically sneers.

Amanda turns around to see who he is talking about. Dodds.

"Oh, it was fine," she says, still a little distracted as she puts her stuff away and sits down at her desk. She finally looks up and meets his eyes. He does not look happy.

"What's with you today?" she asks.

"Oh, I don't know," he says in a mockery of a nonchalance.

Well, he's in a pissy mood.

Ignoring him, she just looks through the work she has to get through that day and mumbles, "Whatever."

She hears him drumming his fingers on his desk in agitation. Then he sits forward. "Hey Rollins?"

She looks up "What?"

"So how was he with Jesse?"

She gives him a perplexed look.

"Did he hold her? Give her a bottle? Did he help you put her down?"

"Uh, no." _Only you do that_. "He never even saw Jesse."

He harrumphs. "So he didn't take you home. That's something I guess . . . "

She sees him hang his head. And then he speaks kind of quietly, looking off to the side. "You know, I get it, Rollins, I really do. He's the 'big man' around here. He's really going places."

"And you're not?" She asks him. He's still not looking at her. "You just took the bar. You're almost a lawyer now – you're going places too."

"Yeah, but it doesn't benefit you."

"What?"

"He can really help you with your career you know - help you advance to Sergeant like you wanted to. I can't – I won't even be working here anymore."

Now she's pissed. "What in the hell are you saying?"

Her angry tone makes him finally look up at her, but his eyes are sad, defeated. She barely notices.

"Do you really think I would sleep with the boss to get ahead?" she can't believe he even thinks this. But hey, all those guys back at Atlanta PD did. She slams down some papers on her desk. In a flash of anger she says to him, "You know what, Carisi, you don't know me at all."

"And I thought we really had something here," he snaps back.

"We did," she answers coldly.

With that it is over. He leaves.


	3. Part Three

“Bella, I’m fine.”

“No you’re not Sonny. You’ve been in a funk ever since . . .”

“I’m a big boy. I can handle it.”

“No, you can’t. You’re really hurting here.” She reaches out to stroke his arm.

He looks down and shuffles his feet.

“Hey,” Bella says softly. “You need to get it all out. Talk to your little sis, huh?”

“She’s gone Bella,” he says and sniffs, looking up and away. “I’m never getting her back.”

“You don’t know that. Amanda really cared for you, I could tell. I can’t believe you did anything that unforgivable.”

“I didn’t.”

“Oh. Then what happened?”

“I lost out. To a better guy.”

“A better guy? Come on now,” she punches him softly in the shoulder, gets him to smile. “There’s no better guy than you.”

“She doesn’t think that.”

“Then she’s a fool for letting you go.” Bella squeezes his cheeks, pursing his lips. “Look at that face . . . who could resist that Carisi charm, eh?”

“No one?”

“That’s right. No one,” she says definitively.


	4. Part Four

He can't wait to get out of there.

She can't wait for him to leave.

He still sees Dodds buzzing around her every day, but she pretends not to notice. Out of respect for him, he guesses. But it doesn't matter. He'll be gone soon enough and then they can have their fun.

* * *

 "Can I come in?" Carisi says tentatively, poking his head into Barba's office.

Barba waves him over.

"Uh . . ." Carisi comes in and then just stands there.

"Take a seat."

He does.

"Now why are you here?" Barba stares him down in all seriousness.

"I uh . . ." Why was this so hard to ask? "Well, you see since I did all that work for you before I took the bar . . . and because I need to start working elsewhere right away –"

"Need?" Barba interjects, raising an eyebrow.

"Well, you see –" Carisi starts to explain.

"It's fine. I know all about that little drama down at the precinct." Barba waves a hand dismissively in the air.

Carisi feels the heat rise in his face. He is embarrassed. "You know about that?"

Barba just gives him a look.

"Then you know why I have to get out of there."

"No one HAS to go anywhere. One might want to go somewhere . . . " Barba slowly drawls, teasing him.

"And I do," Carisi says enthusiastically. "I want to work here - with you."

Barba doesn't answer.

"Look I know you have a position that just opened up for a paid intern. And I kinda already did that for you sometimes – I just didn't get paid and now that I've taken the bar, and I'm going to have to be waiting for my results here for the next few mon –"

"Already got one."

"What?"

"I've already filled that position."

A gorgeous dark-haired woman in a green suit walks into the room. She is so hot that Carisi is taken aback for a moment.

"Meet Gina Santi, my new paid intern," Barba states with an emphasis on the "paid."

"Uh, hello," Carisi stammers a bit. Then recovers enough to stand up and gives his usual introductory greeting. "I'm Dominick Carisi Jr. You can call me Sonny."

"Sonny," she says smoothly, shaking his hand. "A pleasure."

"Hey, I have a sister named Gina," he replies amicably and smiles.

Barba smirks. "Thought you two might get along."

Without skipping a beat Barba goes to a file cabinet and pulls out some briefs, "Are you ready to work?"

He's looking at Carisi.

"Me?"

"Yeah," Barba rolls his eyes. "Turns out I get two interns this go-around."

"Paid?"

"What do you think?" Barba tips his head to the side and gives Carisi a glare. He loves this. He may look stern on the outside, but inside he's chuckling. He enjoys yanking Carisi's chain way too much.


	5. Part Five

"So he's really gone?" Mike asks Amanda, hovering over her desk.

"Yep. Following his dream. Working for Barba." She sighs but then gives Mike a playful smile. "Like that's a dream."

Mike smirks back. "Do you miss him?"

Amanda doesn't have to think too hard about it.

"Yeah, yeah I do," she says softly. _But why am I admitting this to HIM?_ She breaks eye contact, clears her throat, and sits up a little straighter, reaching for some papers on her desk.

Mike touches her arm, "Hey it's okay."

"What's okay?"

"To still have feelings."


	6. Part Six

Mike had been spending a lot of time with Amanda off the job. She just needs a friend right now, so he's biding his time. But he isn't spending tonight with her, instead he's at a restaurant downtown, stuck at some contrived "networking" meeting that his father insisted he go to.

He sees a drop dead gorgeous woman enter the restaurant with Carisi trailing behind her, yapping away. They get a table at the front of the restaurant by the window and pull out a bunch of files from their briefcases. Hmmm . . . she must be some kind of lawyer, too.

He tries to look like he's paying attention to his dad's cronies, but instead he keeps looking over at the two of them. They are both smiling and laughing, and she keeps casually reaching out to touch his arm. For some reason this is pissing him off so he makes a polite excuse to leave the table and heads over to theirs.

"So what part of Italy is your family from? Me, my family, were from the Northern part," he points at his hair and eyes and gives Gina a knowing smile.

She chuckles and returns his knowing smile, "Well, we're not from there exactly. From all over, actually . . . "

Mike steps up to the table.

"Hello," he says in greeting. "I saw you over here and just wanted to stop by and say hi."

"Hey Dodds," Carisi says and shakes his hand in greeting.

"Introduce me?" Mike asks looking from Gina to Carisi.

"What, you moving in on her too now?"

Mike gives him a patient smile until Carisi breaks down, sighs, and says, "Mike Dodds, meet Gina Santi. We both work for Barba."

"Nice to meet you," Mike says and shakes her hand.

"Pleasure." She sure is pretty. Mike wonders what she's doing flirting with Carisi - this guy must have some kind of hidden charm. He just can't figure it out.

He leans down and half-mockingly tells her, "Don't let him break your heart."

"Hey, what's that supposed to mean?" Carisi demands loudly, defensively.

"You know," Mike says and looks down at him condescendingly before walking off.

"What?" Carisi exclaims, his arms open wide.

"What was that about?" Gina asks him.

"I have no idea," Carisi says glumly and looks down at his plate. But he thinks he actually might.


	7. Part Seven

"I saw Carisi last night."

"Hmmm. . ?"

"He was with that lady who's also interning with Barba."

"Mm."

"She's really pretty."

"Can we not talk about this right now?" Amanda steps into the elevator with Mike. "I'd rather hear about dinner with your father."

* * *

Carisi hears them as the doors begin to close.

A deep male voice is interrupted by - "Oh God, your father - I tell you!"

He recognizes her voice right away. And now Dodds' – laughing along with her.

"Hold the door," he says and sticks his arm through the closing doors, pushing them back open.

They all nod politely, and Mike and Amanda shuffle uncomfortably as Carisi steps into the elevator and then turns away from them. Mike and Amanda exchange a look before the silent tension becomes deafening.

Carisi is fuming. Gritting his teeth. Trying not to think too hard. Now he knows why he really lost her to Dodds. Their dysfunctional families - something the two of them can commiserate about. It is a trait he is lacking. The elevator door cannot open fast enough. When it does he's gone in the blink of an eye.


	8. Part Eight

Later that evening . . .

Amanda is hanging out with Mike. Again. Jesse is fast asleep in the other room, thank goodness. It's much harder to get her to go down when she has company over. Unless it's Carisi. When he was here she would sleep like a baby.

Mike's sitting back on her sofa, relaxed, an arm draped over the back of the couch. Like Nick used to do. She's curled up on the other side. They're comfortable together. But that night, as he talks she realizes something else. He's kinda cute.

He's still talking, but she stopped listening a while ago. Instead she's contemplating. The crinkle around his soft green eyes when he laughs, his deep voice, his large nose that now suddenly she's inexplicably drawn to.

She leans forward and says, "Mike, stop pretending."

"Pretending what?"

"That you just want to be my friend."

She leans in even further and kisses him. He eagerly responds until he really thinks things through. He doesn't want to play second fiddle.

"Wait," he breaks the kiss. "Are you sure you want this? What about Cari –"

"I'll get over him," she says quickly. Too quickly. And dives in to kiss him even deeper.

He's not sure he believes her, but he's willing to see where this goes. She's giving him a chance after all.

That night their relationship goes from theoretical to actual.


	9. Part Nine

The weeks have passed and Sonny finds that he really likes the evenings he spends working Barba's heavy case load with Gina. Damn, she is nice to look at. And good at flirting too. At least for a while he can pretend he's wanted.

But when he goes home alone at night he still thinks of Amanda.

That is until the night he takes Gina home with him.

* * *

"That was nice," she purrs cuddling up with him, resting her head on his chest. They are spent.

"Yeah," he says idly.

"You know what?" she perks her head up to look at him.

He stares for a minute into her huge brown eyes. They are so enchanting you could get lost in them. "What?"

"I gotta go, I'm sorry."

She makes some excuse he barely hears and then pecks him on the lips goodbye.

He lays there staring up at the ceiling, surprised that he's so disappointed. Amanda would have stayed.


	10. Part Ten

"Who's that?" Gina leans into him and says quietly, with a little shake of her head indicating to look behind them.

Sonny sees Amanda standing in the back of the courtroom, pretending like she hasn't seen them yet. Yeah, right. He hopes Gina isn't referring to her. He doesn't want to get in to this right now. Or ever, really. "Who?"

"That woman – with the odd expression on her face. I think she's a cop."

"Detective," he corrects. Damn. He didn't mean to say that. He's stepped in it now.

"So you know her? Did you work together? Back at SVU?"

"Yeah. Hey look, Gina, Barba's going to be in here any minute and we have to –"

"Oh, yeah, no problem."

They get back to work.

* * *

Amanda had expected that this would happen from time to time. That she'd still see Carisi – maybe even have to work with him. She had been prepared. Mike had actually helped her work through a lot of her disappointment over what had happened with him. Such a promising start . . . over before it began, really.

But what she was not expecting was HER. It was obvious that they were together. Or had been.

She wondered, had this woman met his family, played with his sister Bella's baby, rubbed the knots out of his shoulders when the work was getting to him?

Amanda stopped looking when the other woman caught her, stifling an internal sigh. This shouldn't bother her. She wouldn't let it. They had both moved on.

Mike eventually shows up and put his arm behind her back, leading her their seats. She spends the majority of court that day staring at the back of Carisi's light grey suit, just a few inches below the collar. Why she can't tear her eyes away from that spot, she doesn't know, and it must be obvious to Mike where she's looking. Her heart twinges a little every time Carisi looks over to Barba or that woman and she catches his face in profile.

This was miserable, this was ridiculous. She should be over him by now. She thought she had been.

* * *

 "Hey we should go now," Mike says to her quietly. "Benson's finished her testimony. The lawyers are just going to wrap everything up for the day."

"No, you go."

"Amanda, Benson will be expecting us back before long. Let's go," he says firmly.

"Are you telling me what to do?" Amanda says a little too loudly. This is not the first time he's gotten on her nerves this way.

Carisi's head swings back. He's watching them now. She doesn't care.

"Of course I am. I'm your boss, Amanda."

She glares back at him. She cannot believe she's in this position again. Yet another Nick, yet another man that thinks just because she appears to "need" rescuing that she can't make decisions for herself. Another man that doesn't trust her judgement. Carisi had NEVER pulled this shit on her. She is disappointed in herself for reverting to old patterns, old tastes.

She turns her glare on Carisi as she stands up. She wouldn't even be with Mike if it wasn't for him. Confusion and hurt line his eyes. Fuck it, she's leaving.

Barba notices this silent little eye drama play out between Carisi and Rollins and doesn't have the patience to deal with a lovesick, distracted Carisi right now. He'll be even more willing to please and much more eager than normal in an effort to get his mind off of Rollins. Basically, he'll be more irritating than Barba is in the mood for. He turns towards Gina and Carisi. "You two are dismissed, I'll handle the rest of the proceedings on my own."

"But hey, don't you need me to –"

"Go," Barba commands.

Carisi sighs dejectedly as he and Gina collect the papers that Barba doesn't need and puts them in their briefcases. They walk out of court together and stumble upon Rollins and Dodds staring each other down. Carisi decides to ignore them and instead smiles down at Gina. "You did really good today when you . . ."

Amanda hears Sonny praise Gina and loses it. She breaks the glare she had fixed on Mike and begins to pace agitatedly instead. "I can't believe you! Pulling rank on me like that!"

"Amanda, not here."

"Don't you tell me what to do!"

Dodds sighs and then stands quietly, trying to be patient.

Amanda looks over at Carisi and kind of laughs to herself at the irony of it all. Then Mike sees him too and stiffens a little, standing up taller.

"Do you think HE would dare tell me what to do?" she yells at Mike, waving her arm at Carisi. "Do you think he ever did? Even once? No. He didn't."

Amanda thinks of how he was with Gina just then, how he had been with her, "He supported me."

"I support you." Mike retorts.

She harrumphs and waves a dismissive hand towards him, shaking her head and walking away. He doesn't get it.

Carisi wants to sink into the floor when Gina looks at him during this exchange. All he can do is shrug his shoulders and give her an apologetic glance, pretending that he's cool with all of this.

As Amanda pushes her way through the heavy door to the outside, Mike hangs his head and feels like a chump. He'd been playing second fiddle all along. Damn.

Gina touches Sonny's arm to turn him away from the whole scene. And from Dodds, who doesn't look too happy right now. "Hey, I think I understand what's going on now."

"Huh?"

"She's not over you."

"What?"

"That cop – er, detective. She's still in love with you."

He snorts. "No she's not. I'm not sure she ever was."

Gina shakes her head. "That guy she's with – "

"Yeah, the guy she left me for," Carisi says defensively.

"Are you kidding me?" she puts her hand on her hip. "He's her rebound."

Sonny just looks at her, startled.

"Trust me, I know what I'm talking about. Look, I could tell you weren't really invested in me," she looks down below his belt buckle and then smiles up at him devilishly. "Well, maybe a part of you was."

He smirks knowingly and nods a little. She steps up to him and places her hand firmly on his chest, over his heart. "But not all of you."

He smiles down at her, a little sadly. "So it's over then?"

"I think it was over before it started," she says sadly herself. "You were never really here."

She takes her hand of off his chest. It is the last intimate contact they will have. As they walk out of the courthouse together Gina asks Sonny, "So who was she? To you?"

He tells her.


	11. Part Eleven

Gina had convinced him not to be a fool. He needs to go after her. Now.

So now he is standing at her door sopping wet. He had forgotten his umbrella but was too determined to continue to Amanda's, so he didn't turn back once he realized it. He is a bit out of breath, but doesn't know if it's from the quick walk here or from nerves.

"Amanda open up!" he yells as he knocks again.

Frannie is barking on the other side.

She finally opens up the door and lets him in without saying a word. Once she's closed it behind him, she just looks at him expectantly, her arms crossed.

"Amanda, I don't know what exactly went on – " he starts.

"I do," she says coldly.

"Then what exactly happened back there?"

"Oh, nothing. I just left another man that wasn't right for me."

"Just like me."

She huffs. "Sonny, you did that."

"Did what?"

"You left me. I didn't leave you." She stares him down seriously. "That mistake is on you, not me."

She grabs an open wine bottle that had been sitting on her coffee table. Takes a swig. What has gotten into her? He shakes his head. Doesn't matter.

"Look, Amanda I'm sorry. For whatever happened." He can't remember exactly what he needs to apologize for, he just knows what he wants. "But I don't want to be apart anymore - I miss you . . ."

He reaches out to touch her cheek and she flinches away.

"I'm not ready for this. Not now." She takes another swig and points a shaking finger at him. "You walked out on ME, remember?"

No he doesn't, not really.

"I don't want to go through that again – do you understand? We were so close – you were different. For once, different." She hangs her head. "You know Sonny, right now I don't know what I want. But it's not you."

He quietly closes the door behind himself and walks home in the rain. His spirits match the color of the cold grey sky.


	12. Part Twelve

He had been lying in bed, feeling sorry for himself. _When had everything gone so wrong?_

He hears a soft, almost hesitant knocking at his door. He's not sure he even heard anything, but he gets out of bed anyway. All he has on is socks and sweatpants – he shouldn't answer the door like this. But he doesn't care anymore.

He opens up the door and she is there . . .

His jaw drops.

She looks up at him biting her lower lip, swaying a bit from side to side. She looks so vulnerable.

"What is it?" he asks.

"Sonny . . . I - I'm ready," she practically whispers.

In an instant he knows what she means, what she wants.

"Mandy," he says and strokes her hair gently, not daring to go any further - yet.

And then the vulnerability turns into a little smile and she nods.

He cups the sides of her face in both hands and bends down to kiss her. As he does her arms wrap around him. He pulls her across the threshold and into his home, kissing her the entire time.

When he finally stops he rests his forehead on hers. "Oh, God I've missed you so much."

She nods, her nose bumping into his.

And then they are at it again, their kisses intensifying at an alarming rate. She grasps at his chest, practically clawing at him.

"Oh, God."

"Yes."

Somehow locked in their embrace they fall to the floor. And then they roll of off each other laughing. Two good deep belly laughs side by side. They turn to face each other, still laughing, smiling.

"I've missed you too," Amanda says, reaching over to trail her hand over his face. She stops on his lower lip with her index finger. The laughter has subsided into something else now. He lets her finger rest there for a little bit and then he gently removes her hand and takes it in his.

"I love you," he says. "I've never told you that, but I do."

She shifts a little uncomfortably and cannot meet the intensity in his sky blue eyes.

"Hey, don't do that," he says softly. He tips her chin up slightly, forcing her to look at him. Her eyes dart in alarm and then close. He tries to soothe her with his voice. "It's okay, Mandy. It's okay to have feelings … "

"I don't want to . . . to. . . " she is hesitating, stalling.

"To feel?"

"No," she squeezes her eyes tight and he strokes her arm gently, waiting.

Finally, she opens her eyes wearily and whispers so softly that he almost doesn't hear her. "I don't want you to see me as weak . . . I don't want to be vulnerable."

"You're not weak. And it's okay to be vulnerable. I won't hurt you."

"But you already did," her eyes challenge him.

Now it's his turn to look down.

"Please don't do that again - I cannot handle another disappointment in my life," Amanda says while tears start rolling down her cheeks and he looks back up at her.

"Hey, don't cry," he says, wiping the tears away with his thumb.

This only makes her sob harder.

He pulls her into him, hugging her tightly, cradling her head against his chest. It's getting wet from her tears. He wishes he could make her happy. But he can't promise her this.

"Shh . . . Shh" he says and tries to soothe her as he rubs her back.

She takes his comfort for a while but eventually breaks away from him and sits up. She runs her hands roughly through her hair, pulling it away from her face. Then she wipes under her eyes to remove any left-over tears.

He props himself up on his elbows and she looks back at him. "Do you see why I can't let myself love you?"

"Frankly, no."

She shakes her head. And he sits up with her. "Amanda, I can't promise that I'll never disappoint you. No one can."

"I won't be able to handle it if you do." She throws up her hands in frustration and then slowly they settle back onto her lap, defeated. She looks up at the ceiling, blinking back new tears that threaten to escape. Just thinking about him leaving her again . . . "I just can't."

"Amanda, look at me," he says and turns her head towards him. "Please don't disappoint ME by turning away from us. Again. Don't do that."

"How?"

"Tell me you love me. I know that you do." He gives her a soft smile.

She wants to . . . but . . .

Time passes and his smile fades.

"Okay," he says, standing up and reaching out a hand to her.

"Huh?"

"This is too hard for you. Like you said before, you're not ready. I think you need to go."

"What?"

"Come on," he takes away his hand, waving it instead. "Get up."

She does.

"What are you doing? I want to be with you."

"Really?"

"Yeah," she says adamantly.

"Then stop hurting me."

She throws up her hands in frustration. "What do you want?"

He crosses his arms over his chest and looks down at her sternly. "You know what I want."

"I'm not sure I can give you that."

"Then go," he waves towards the door, trying to be stoic.

"I already said that I want to be with you Sonny. Why are you doing this to me?"

"Because I want more."

"I can't give you more right now."

"And I can't promise to never let you down. But that shouldn't stop you from being able to love me. Screw your fear of vulnerability. If you can't open up to me, then we can't be together." Resolved, he scowls and points his finger at the door. "Now go."

She is shaking, but she composes herself and gets ready to leave.

He is shaking too and his eyes are watering – he blinks fiercely. He can't believe this is happening. Again. This time it feels so final.

As she opens the door he comes over to her and places his hand on her back. She stops. He wraps his arms around her and holds her tight, resting his forehead on her shoulder. She lets him.

"Mandy," he whispers.

She cradles his arms with her own and leans back into him. "Sonny I can't give you what you want. I'm not sure I ever can."

"I know. Then we'll have to . . . "

She unwinds herself and faces him, continuing his words. ". . . we'll have to say goodbye."

They hug fiercely and then part. She walks out the door.

He crumples to the ground with his head in his hands and she leans against the wall outside of his apartment and takes a deep breath.

He had been lying in bed, feeling sorry for himself. _When had everything gone so wrong?_

He hears a soft, almost hesitant knocking at his door. He's not sure he even heard anything, but he gets out of bed anyway. All he has on is socks and sweatpants – he shouldn't answer the door like this. But he doesn't care anymore.

He opens up the door and she is there . . .

His jaw drops.

She looks up at him biting her lower lip, swaying a bit from side to side. She looks so vulnerable.

"What is it?" he asks.

"Sonny . . . I - I'm ready," she practically whispers.

In an instant he knows what she means, what she wants.

"Mandy," he says and strokes her hair gently, not daring to go any further - yet.

And then the vulnerability turns into a little smile and she nods.

He cups the sides of her face in both hands and bends down to kiss her. As he does her arms wrap around him. He pulls her across the threshold and into his home, kissing her the entire time.

When he finally stops he rests his forehead on hers. "Oh, God I've missed you so much."

She nods, her nose bumping into his.

And then they are at it again, their kisses intensifying at an alarming rate. She grasps at his chest, practically clawing at him.

"Oh, God."

"Yes."

Somehow locked in their embrace they fall to the floor. And then they roll of off each other laughing. Two good deep belly laughs side by side. They turn to face each other, still laughing, smiling.

"I've missed you too," Amanda says, reaching over to trail her hand over his face. She stops on his lower lip with her index finger. The laughter has subsided into something else now. He lets her finger rest there for a little bit and then he gently removes her hand and takes it in his.

"I love you," he says. "I've never told you that, but I do."

She shifts a little uncomfortably and cannot meet the intensity in his sky blue eyes.

"Hey, don't do that," he says softly. He tips her chin up slightly, forcing her to look at him. Her eyes dart in alarm and then close. He tries to soothe her with his voice. "It's okay, Mandy. It's okay to have feelings … "

"I don't want to . . . to. . . " she is hesitating, stalling.

"To feel?"

"No," she squeezes her eyes tight and he strokes her arm gently, waiting.

Finally, she opens her eyes wearily and whispers so softly that he almost doesn't hear her. "I don't want you to see me as weak . . . I don't want to be vulnerable."

"You're not weak. And it's okay to be vulnerable. I won't hurt you."

"But you already did," her eyes challenge him.

Now it's his turn to look down.

"Please don't do that again - I cannot handle another disappointment in my life," Amanda says while tears start rolling down her cheeks and he looks back up at her.

"Hey, don't cry," he says, wiping the tears away with his thumb.

This only makes her sob harder.

He pulls her into him, hugging her tightly, cradling her head against his chest. It's getting wet from her tears. He wishes he could make her happy. But he can't promise her this.

"Shh . . . Shh" he says and tries to soothe her as he rubs her back.

She takes his comfort for a while but eventually breaks away from him and sits up. She runs her hands roughly through her hair, pulling it away from her face. Then she wipes under her eyes to remove any left-over tears.

He props himself up on his elbows and she looks back at him. "Do you see why I can't let myself love you?"

"Frankly, no."

She shakes her head. And he sits up with her. "Amanda, I can't promise that I'll never disappoint you. No one can."

"I won't be able to handle it if you do." She throws up her hands in frustration and then slowly they settle back onto her lap, defeated. She looks up at the ceiling, blinking back new tears that threaten to escape. Just thinking about him leaving her again . . . "I just can't."

"Amanda, look at me," he says and turns her head towards him. "Please don't disappoint ME by turning away from us. Again. Don't do that."

"How?"

"Tell me you love me. I know that you do." He gives her a soft smile.

She wants to . . . but . . .

Time passes and his smile fades.

"Okay," he says, standing up and reaching out a hand to her.

"Huh?"

"This is too hard for you. Like you said before, you're not ready. I think you need to go."

"What?"

"Come on," he takes away his hand, waving it instead. "Get up."

She does.

"What are you doing? I want to be with you."

"Really?"

"Yeah," she says adamantly.

"Then stop hurting me."

She throws up her hands in frustration. "What do you want?"

He crosses his arms over his chest and looks down at her sternly. "You know what I want."

"I'm not sure I can give you that."

"Then go," he waves towards the door, trying to be stoic.

"I already said that I want to be with you Sonny. Why are you doing this to me?"

"Because I want more."

"I can't give you more right now."

"And I can't promise to never let you down. But that shouldn't stop you from being able to love me. Screw your fear of vulnerability. If you can't open up to me, then we can't be together." Resolved, he scowls and points his finger at the door. "Now go."

She is shaking, but she composes herself and gets ready to leave.

He is shaking too and his eyes are watering – he blinks fiercely. He can't believe this is happening. Again. This time it feels so final.

As she opens the door he comes over to her and places his hand on her back. She stops. He wraps his arms around her and holds her tight, resting his forehead on her shoulder. She lets him.

"Mandy," he whispers.

She cradles his arms with her own and leans back into him. "Sonny I can't give you what you want. I'm not sure I ever can."

"I know. Then we'll have to . . . "

She unwinds herself and faces him, continuing his words. ". . . we'll have to say goodbye."

They hug fiercely and then part. She walks out the door.

He crumples to the ground with his head in his hands and she leans against the wall outside of his apartment and takes a deep breath. This is for the best.

FIN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At least it was supposed to be. This was the original ending to this story but a two chapter alternate continuation of this story will be posted for those who want a choice in how all of this will end. :-)


	13. Continuation - Part One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those of you who want the story to end differently . . .

The next time Amanda sees Carisi it is at the courthouse. They almost bump into each other and then stand there in shock.

She takes in his drawn face and almost empty eyes. He looks like hell. Almost as bad as he did when he worked undercover posing as a pedophile at that shelter. She feels a lump rising in her throat uncomfortably and wants to look away but instead she continues to stare.

He takes in the emotions he thinks he sees swimming in her eyes. No, he can't get sucked in again. He tells himself that she never actually cared for him – that there was never anything there in the first place. He grows cold and his expression hardens even further. Yet he can't peel his eyes away from her, waiting for her expression to change. Into what he doesn't know.

"Okay, enough with the eye drama you two." Barba barks.

Startled they break their stare. Barba nods at Carisi while he points at a courtroom door. "You - in there."

Carisi follows him, leaving Amanda in the hallway. She heads off towards the courtroom she was supposed to give testimony in that day.

* * *

Court is finally adjourned and Amanda is so glad that she can leave the courthouse, finally get out of there. And hopefully avoid Carisi.

But then she rounds a corner and sees them. Gina is patting his back as he hangs his head. From his body language she can tell that he's in even worse shape than when she last saw him. Amanda ducks behind a large square pillar, completely out of sight, but still close enough to hear the words they exchange.

" … just can't handle running into her like this." He takes in a deep breath, continuing, "I don't think I can work for Barba anymore."

"Sonny, why would you say that? Working for the DA's office is all you ever wanted."

"There's other boroughs, you know. Places I could go … "

"Stop being ridiculous."

"Me? Ridiculous?"

"Yeah, you know you've already got the market cornered on that."

Amanda can just picture him grinning at that despite the low mood he is in.

Gina continues. "You're being an idiot. It's obvious from that little 'eye conversation' that you two were engaged in earlier that she hasn't let you go. She's still in love with you."

There is a long silence – or else Carisi says something too quietly for Amanda to overhear. She steps back into sight from around the pillar. His back is to her. Only Gina can see her. She gives Amanda a knowing look and a stern nod.

* * *

Amanda goes to Mike's place that night. She needs to talk to him so badly.

He opens the door and when he sees who it is, he sighs. What does she want now? Didn't she humiliate him enough already? It is way too late for this bullshit.

"I really messed up," she says.

He perks up a bit. Is she going to apologize?

"Carisi and I . . . " she stammers.

"Oh is that what this is?" He is hurt that she's not here for him.

"I need a friend."

"Of course you do," he says sarcastically and then thinks better of it. With her hands dug deep into her pockets, swaying from side to side, looking up at him with doe eyes she looks almost vulnerable. And definitely in need of a friend.

Quietly he says, "Come in."

* * *

By the next morning Amanda is resolved to set things right. After talking with Mike all night about her feelings for Carisi she had been able to sort things out and admit to herself that she really did love Sonny – still loves him. And she doesn't want to hurt him anymore – even if that means letting him into her heart where he can do untold damage. She is afraid, but determined.

As she walks to his place she is practically in tears, overtired from total lack of sleep and emotionally exhausted before she even gets there.

"Amanda, you shouldn't be here," Carisi says from across the door jam.

"Just hear me out."

His next words are hard and spoken slowly with an emphasis on each individual syllable. "I don't want you here."

"Sonny . . . " she reaches out to touch him.

He flinches away and she bursts into the torrent of tears that she had been trying to hold back on the way over. His rejection hits her harder than she expected. But she has to get through this.

"What are you trying to do here?" he says angrily.

"Just let me in."

"No."

"Please let me in," she says in a small voice.

"Why?" he asks carefully.

"You know why."

"Say it then."


	14. The Continuation: Part Two

"Say it again," he says softly, almost a whisper. He trails his fingers from the base of her chin down to the soft valley of her neck. She is exposing her neck for him, letting him touch her there. Trusting.

"I love you," she says.

"And again," he whispers, his hand trailing further down, his body coming to rest fully on top of hers.

"I love you," her blue eyes are finally sparkling with brightness, not fear, even though he has her in this vulnerable position.

"I will never hear that enough," he says and the biggest, goofiest grin she's ever seen illuminates his face. And that's saying a lot – this is Sonny Carisi after all. The master of goofy expressions.

And she loves him - she really does. She reaches up and touches his cheek as his lips fall upon hers.

They exchange a series of soft, gentle kisses. Neither of them prodding the other to go any further. Not yet.

When they finally part and are just staring at each other he dares to say it.

"I honestly thought this would never happen. No matter how much I wanted this . . . deep down I was sure you didn't."

"Then why did you pressure me?"

"Because I wanted you to be able to find this place. I thought if I encouraged you – "

"Encouraged me? Is that what you're calling it?"

"Okay, it wasn't encouragement." He gives her a wry smile. "I practically forced you to find this place. I was very determined." He walks his fingers down her adorable nose.

"Damn, straight."

"I thought I would most likely push you away." He lowers his forehead to hers. "You were hurting me way too much and I was done, Amanda.

He lifts his head. "Done. Do you understand?"

"You really were done with me?"

"Yes."

Her mouth opens, forming a tiny "O" of shock. He had always been so doggedly persistent in every aspect of his life. To think he had given up on anything at all broke her heart. To think that she had been the cause . . .

"Oh, Sonny," she says, brushing some unkempt locks of hair that had fallen in his face. "I . . . I almost lost you."

"Yes, you did."

She reaches up for him and brings him down into her arms. He buries his face in her neck.

She thinks she hears him whimper before his body relaxes, but she's not sure.

A few silent tears escape from her eyes. To think she might have missed out on this. Missed out on him.

She had been just three little words away from losing him forever.

FIN

(FINALLY)


End file.
